so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
