bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
