he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
