I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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