just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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