I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
