I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
