i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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