Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
