I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
