we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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