I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize