WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
