Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
