His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
