you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
