i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
