Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
