apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
