I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
