Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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