oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize