i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
