so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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