You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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