dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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