Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
