So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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