Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
