How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'd cum for enchiladas.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
