I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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