i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
