In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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