Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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