i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
