Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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