ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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