youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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