You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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