i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
