Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
