Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
