the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
