miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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