The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
