You're a womanizer and a bitch.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
