sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Your cock deserves a montage
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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