ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
