if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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