if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
