honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
