Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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