So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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