Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
