I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
