My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
