Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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