You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
