you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
