I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
