Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
